Hard to Love
Spouse says today that I am hard to love. Had to admit I'm disoriented. I have a goal to reach. To save us from drowning in debt. Maybe half a mil ain't that much to others but we're not wearing the same shoe. For me, being in debt by that much is drowning. Been thinking ways to finish that half mil in a year. Might be impossible but at least it'd push me to my limits to bring this thing around like Elon and perhaps not be bothered by it and act normal once more.
We both grew up with not much. Sharing stories of poverty to the next generation and how we're trying to get by. Yet now that it's affecting me and what we had since we are drowning, I am hard to love. There was once a phase where we had plenty. Plenty enough not to look at price tags and dreaming even higher. And that's the most fond memory of me being most loved I guess. My spouse cares for me, cooks. Treats me well. Perhaps because I am not stressed then as well. But I guess wheels do go in circle.
Half a mil in debt and I am stressed out. Every move is a desperate way to climb out. Of course it shows. It's gonna reflect in my every day despite trying to tank this on my own. How I wish it's understandable. How I'd behave. How this affects me. How I see our dreams slowly fading and that maybe it'd be our kids to continue what we could not accomplish. But that is not our kid's dreams. And I hate to have that in mind. I knew I can break the cycle of poverty. Heck I claim I can. But this is wearing us out and now I am hard to love. My spouse is threatening to leave again. Tired and not taken care of were the claims. Maybe the lottery? I don't know. We can't talk about this normally now. We just end up arguing.
PS. Talked to my spouse about the situation before but I guess we're not aligned anymore. But hey, this is my story. Perhaps my spouse had a lot more in mind. I just need to have this out or I'm might blow up.